Eh, What’s New On Netflix?: “Avengers Grimm”

Greetings one and all! Welcome back to the land of fabulous wonderment that is “Eh, What’s New On Netflix?” See movies good, bad, and meh! Be amazed at the bounty that is available! Ask yourself, “Why exactly does Dave do this?!” Come inside and let the games begin!
 
If you haven’t noticed I’m in quite a good mood today. After a few days of slogging through some less than appetizing movies (I’m looking at YOU, Trans4mers!), we are finally back on track with a movie that is pure distilled Awesome, with a capital AWE! That film, that beacon of cinematic achievement is Avengers Grimm, a 2015 rip-off of Marvel’s The Avengers. Now, don’t get me wrong: this movie is bad. It’s, “No one can act, there are no extras and only the cheapest of sets,”: bad. It’s, “Terrible plot and non-existent character arcs,”: bad. But it’s also incredible. Grimm was created by Mockbuster Powerhouse The Asylum, who have given us gems like Transmorphers (which has robots, but they don’t do a ton of transmorphing) and Sherlock Holmes (in which everybody’s favorite Victorian detective fights velociraptors). These guys take low budget cash grabs and turn them into a form of art. If you haven’t seen any of their “movies,” then stop whatever you’re doing and look one up. Shit, watch this one. I just told you that it’s available on Netflix. Go now! I’ll wait.

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Are we all back? Ok, cool. WASN’T THAT FUCKING AWESOME?! I don’t know which movie you watched in particular, but I do know that it was fucking awesome, because all of their movies kick ass. They’re all produced for approximately fifteen dollars and a back alley hand job, and star only the finest drama school rejects, but there is this sincerity to them. All the actors are giving it their all, and I just get the sense that everyone, from the director to the screenwriter to the set dresser, is giving this their all, and trying to make the best movie they can. It’s kind of like watching an Ed Wood movie: you know it’s awful and cheap, but you just respect the people involved for going out there, doing what they love, and absolutely owning that shit!
 
Getting to the movie itself, America’s favorite superheroes are replaced with public domain fairy tale princesses. Battling against the forces of the evil: Rumpelstiltskin (Casper Van Dien, aka Johnny Rico from Starship Troopers!) and his army of thralls/zombies. Rumpelstiltskin wants to use Snow White’s Magic Mirror to transport himself and his magical army to our decidedly non-magical world and become king here. The two struggle, fall through the Mirror, and are shortly followed by Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, and Little Red Ridding Hood. We learn that the few minutes that have passed in the magic world have actually been years in ours. In that time Rumpelstiltskin has made himself mayor of…I think it’s Los Angeles? The war between them continues, they all fight, Rumpelstiltskin is defeated, but the Mirror is destroyed, and the princesses will have to find a new way home in the inevitable sequel, Avengers Grimm 2: Age of The Wicked Witch.
 
Part of what makes this a heap of fun is all the parallels to Joss Whedon’s Avengers movie. The plots are different enough that there aren’t a ton of places to draw comparisons, but there are enough curious little moments that let you explicitly know what’s going on. The Magic Mirror doubles as Loki’s staff, complete with the ability to open portals, which an army pours through. Red Riding Hood, who is an archer, gets brainwashed and forced to fight the heroes. Where Tony Stark says, “If we can’t protect the earth, you’ll be damn well sure we’ll avenge it,” Cinderella declares, “We are not heroes. We’re avengers.” Hell, there’s even an actor from the first movie that shows up in this one! Lou Ferrigno, aka The Incredible Fucking Hulk (he voices the character in the MCU movies) is one of Rumpelstiltskin’s lieutenants in this film. What the what?!
 
Then you can add in all the other details that are unique to this movie in their outlandishness. For example, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Rapunzel have Powerpuff Girl color coordinated hair. I think this might be to differentiate them, because their personalities are all identical and there has to be some way for them to stand out. Also Cinderella can create illusions and even transform objects into radically different things. Does anyone remember her having that ability in the Disney movie? Did she get that from her Fairy Godmother? Why does Snow White have Iceman’s powers? Is it just because her name is “Snow”? Why does this movie have more meaningful death scenes and a wider variety of female characters than the rest of the MCU movies combined?
 
Alas, the world may never know. What I do know is that this is a goddamn classic and I want more of it. I want a sequel. I need to see more adventures. Will they add Hansel and Gretel to stand in for Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch? I demand to see more of this! And may all of the movies I watch for this series be as enjoyable as this one

David Gallick

Many have been called “The Voice of the Generation.” David is not one of them, but he is more than content to be some schmoe prattling away on the internet and someday hopes to go on a spirit quest to find his soulmate. He cares more about Spider-Man than his own well being and can throw a football over those mountains over there.