Hello all! I bet you’re wondering why I asked you all here today. The answer to that question is twofold: first, I’m an attention whore and I want everyone to pay attention to/love me. Second, Terminator Genisys premieres tonight and I think that it might be interesting if we took a look at Terminator history in preparation. So, yeah, that’s what we’re gonna do. There are refreshments in the corner, please make sure everyone gets some.
In the last twenty-four hours I have watched the three original terminator movies. For those who are unable to watch these series, you may want to check out this blog that discusses the best vpn for kodi, Netflix, or whatever streaming platform you prefer to watch. If you come across something suitable, you can get access to your other favourite shows too. I skipped The Sarah Conner Chronicles because who has the time, as well as Terminator Salvation because I still have some semblance of a soul and I need to do everything in my power to protect that from corrupting influences. What I’m going to be doing here is looking at the three movies with something resembling fresh eyes, trying to judge them objectively, and looking for through lines that connect them together. I realize the enormity and the possible futility of this task. The Terminator movies are one of the most venerated action franchises in the history of cinema. They launched Arnold Schwarzenegger to super-stardom and cemented James Cameron as one of our greatest genre directors. Without them, the filmatic landscape of the past 30 years looks radically different, and for those reasons and more, these three movies have been picked to death. I’m not going to pretend that I can add new, groundbreaking revelations in this article; I’m just hoping to have a little fun and talk about the horrors of Skynet for a little bit. Is that too much to ask? Awesome! Lets get started right where it all began.
The Terminator (1984)
I don’t think it can be overstated how great of a movie this is. I’m not saying that it’s great for an action movie, or good for a movie that stars a dude who can barely speak English. I’m saying that by almost any metric you use, this is a legitimately great film. From the very beginning we are plunged into the world of Los Angeles circa 2029 AD and get a glimpse of the hellscape that it has turned into. Then, with just a small block of text, we are sent back in time to 1984 where the movie actually begins.
For the first third of the movie, there is no narration, exposition, or explanation. The audience is given no background to the missions of the (as of yet, unnamed) Terminator and Reese, leaving us to piece their motivations together through the context of their actions. Nothing is laid out for us in plain black and white until Sarah Conner is on the run with Reese and asks what the fuck is going on, and only at this point are our suspicions either confirmed or dismissed. Its such a great way to tell a story and just makes you, the viewer, feel so smart for working stuff out on your own. Its a trick that I wish Cameron would have remembered when he wrote Avatar, but that’s a conversation for another day.
On the other side of the quality picture, some of the effects are downright cheesy. They’re not necessarily bad or hard to watch, they just have the telltale early ’80s look to them that has not aged all that well. In a way, they’re actually kind of charming. Watching what is obviously a rubber model of Schwarzenegger’s head dig out its own eyeball, while not possessing the shock value it held when it first premiered, is still a fun scene to watch.
It’s not hard to see why this was an instant classic. The story is an amazingly told mystery that morphs into an action-thriller, Arnold is incredible as an emotionless kill bot, and despite what I said a minute ago, the skinless Terminator effects at the end are fucking awesome. But when people talk about this series, they traditionally don’t discus this film as much as its sequel. So onto the sequel!
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Here we go! The Reign of Reagan is over, all the kids are watching their MTV, and Jimmy Cameron is back makin’ a Terminator movie. All should be right with the world, right? Well, it is…kinda. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very good movie. It amps up everything that the original did, just like most sequels do, and continues to craft a great story that expands the world. But from the get-go you can tell that things are going to be a bit different because T2 opens with a bit of Sarah Connor narration. I’m not against narration necessarily, but when the first movie is able to convey so much without it, it feels like a bit of a cop out here. Other than that, there are three quick things that I want to discuss. We’ll hit them in order of importance.
Number One: Holy fucking shit is Edward Furlong annoying. I know this has been said a hundred times before and that its a hack argument at this point. “Oh man, Eddie Furlong isn’t a very good actor and his lines suck harharhar.” I hate people who sound like that as much as the next guy, I just wish it wasn’t so true. My notes are filled with rants against both him and Cameron for writing these awful fucking lines filled with dated ’90s slang. If I was eleven in 1991 I’m sure that I would have been ape shit for this and thought that Furlong was the coolest guy ever, but alas I have overcome the trappings of youth and transformed into the jaded, unshaven, alcohol-fueled man you see before you today, so any nostalgia is lost on me. Fuck this character. Also, this is a thing that exists.
Yup, that’s John Connor in an Aerosmith video
Number Two: The Effects. Jurassic Park is traditionally seen as the first movie to use modern CGI in a big way. Not to say it wasn’t there before, but this was the first time that people really recognized it. That being said, T2 is a fantastic use of early computer effects! The T-1000 is a genuine marvel and holds up even today. And what makes everything that much better is that they still used a metric fuckton of practical effects. When will people learn that the best use of CGI is to complement on camera effects, not to replace them? When will this wall that I’m yelling into respond to me?
Number Three: Arnold’s Introduction. As in the original, the Terminator travels through the time displacement field naked and, needing clothes, assaults and robs some leather jacket aficionados. Now, in the first movie, Arnie is the villain, and a first time viewer would be inclined to believe that he occupies this role again, with Robert Patrick’s T-1000 serving as John Connor’s protector. This isn’t proven wrong until the two terminators confront each other in the mall…except that when Arnold steals the clothes and mounts his new bike, “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood plays in what is clearly a moment meant to denote heroism. The scene doesn’t fit the rest of the movie and ruins the reveal of the Terminator’s new allegiance.
What I would say is that T2 is a really good movie that is deeply flawed and does not quite live up to the standards set by its predecessor. Thankfully it is closer in quality to that movie than to to the third entry in the trilogy. Speaking of…
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
T2 reused a lot of the imagery and verbiage of The Terminator. There are skulls being crushed by tank treads, “Come with me if you want to live,” “I’ll be back,” etc. But it also creates things that are new and lasting, like the T-1000 and “Hasta la vista, baby.” T3 uses the iconography even more gratuitously than before (new director Jonathan Mostow must have wanted to do everything in his power to appeal to the fans) while adding almost nothing new or interesting to the mythology. The new terminator, the T-X, is boring as all hell, the story feels tacked on and unnecessary following the conclusion of T2, and the narration is amped up to full force.
Perhaps the worst thing to come of this is the character of John Connor. For three movies now we’ve been told that he is going to be the savior of humanity and the greatest leader that we have ever seen, when in reality he is just the biggest pain in the ass of all time. We should hold a competition between him and Anakin Skywalker to see who is the biggest bitch in Sci-Fi history. Both of them had huge hype built around them: Obi Wan talks Anakin up in A New Hope just like Reese does for John, but when we finally see them, they are the such wastes of space. I can forgive Furlong and Jake Lloyd for their childhood performances of the characters, but Nick Stahl and Hayden Christensen are the fucking worst, with their whining and bullshit. Ugh. Ok, off track again. Sorry.
Really the best thing this movie has going for it is the ending. Not just that it ends and we don’t have to watch it anymore, but that it has a seriously surprising finally that I still can’t believe they were actually allowed to get away with. By the way Spoiler Alert for a twelve year old movie!!!! Skynet gains control of the United State’s defense system and nukes the world, just like it was always prophesied to do. Connor is powerless to stop it and is forced to wait out Judgment Day in a bunker. That’s how the movie ends: with the death of 3 billion people. The war with the machines is inevitable and nothing we can do will ever stop it. We can only determine how we will respond. Its bleak as shit and it’s amazing. It single-handedly makes T3 worth watching.
So there you have it, my two cents on the Terminator franchise. Tonight I go to see the new entry and will report back to you on it. Hopefully it does something to earn its way into the glorious pantheon that has been set up for it, but judging by the trailer, it’s not likely.
Yeah, we might be fucked.
