As cocky and self-aggrandizing as the end of Inglourious Basterds was, at least Quentin Tarantino didn’t award himself an Oscar during the closing credits. Could you imagine how laughably insane that would be? Well imagine no more because Entourage exists and that’s exactly what they fucking do. I’m not kidding; they award themselves a Golden Globe. I’m not going to worry about spoilers here because this movie is shit and you shouldn’t give your hard earned money to see it. I had to because apparently this is my job now, so I’ll give you all the information that you require.
Entourage is based on the HBO series of the same name. In it an actor Vinny Chase (Adrian Grenier) and his band of friends E, Drama, and Turtle (Kevin Connolly, Kevin Dillon, and Jerry Ferrara) tool around Los Angeles being massive dicks and making a 100+ million dollar movie. Grenier wants to direct even though he’s never directed anything in his life and is very nervous when it comes time to show the movie to studio head Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven). You might think that this means his movie is bad and the central plot of our film will be about the entourage trying to fix things and save face but no, the movie is perfect because these assholes can do no wrong. The driving conflict (if you can even call it that) comes from the son of the film’s financier (Haley Joel Osment) trying to get the movie re-cut and re-cast because he didn’t get laid at a party. That’s right, the least attractive member of the cast is the villain because pretty people don’t want to fuck ugly people. Piven’s character even comes out and says that much at the end just to hammer home how much better the Chase and his friends are than everyone else. Its pretty sickening.
To add to all that nonsense, there is literally no drama in this whole fucking thing. Every so often something happens that makes you think, “Oh man, these guys might actually have to deal with some real shit!” and then everything just works out.
Right away.
Within five minutes.
THIS ISN’T HOW YOU CRAFT A FUCKING STORY! Sorry, got a little carried away there. It just seems like this should be simple stuff that any screenwriter worth their salt should have realized was stupid and uninteresting. God, the more time I spend thinking about this the dumber and more bro-y I get.
Its just that everything in this whole movie is baffling. Marriages end and there is no animosity or conflict between the partners. People tease their sexual partners about pregnancy and STIs, but neither of those things ever actually occur. A sex tape and a failed audition lead directly to a Golden Globe victory. The only redeeming quality is that the cinematography is pretty, but is that really a good thing in a movie where physical beauty is the only important thing? Entourage has no subtlety, no depth, nothing to elevate it to the level of art. This isn’t even fun bad, it’s just depressing. We need some better summer releases. Inside Out better be fantastic next week or I might just cry.
