I had a long, hard day at work this morning. I did an honest day’s work and I was compensated justly for it, because I am an American! And when I arrived home and booted up my computer, I was rewarded for my labor, because sometimes Ra and the rest of the Egyptian pantheon decides to reward us. That’s right, I saw that Warner Bros. had posted the OFFICIAL San Diego Comic Con trailer for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Seriously? How is this still the real title?) to YouTube! The world can see this, not just the few, the lucky few, who get to call San Diego “home” this weekend, but, along with seeing it, comes picking it apart frame by frame and absolutely tearing it to pieces. That is where I (and some .gif software) come into play. So now, without further adieu, LETS DISSECT THIS MOTHER!!!
If you haven’t seen it yet, what are you doing with your life? Do you have friends? A significant other? Reasons to exist that don’t include superhero movies? I find your life to be sad and confusing. Anyways, here’s the thing
Now that you’ve seen it in its entirety, let’s delve a bit deeper.
We open with Holly Hunter, as a US Senator, calling for the truth, as protesters in front of the capital hoist signs that claim Superman is an illegal alien. This is technically a true statement, although it is also stupid as hell.
Our boy, Supes, arrives at the Capital looking grim as fuck, while the people of this fair nation are reminded that he is very powerful. Thanks for the heads-up, Sen. Hunter!
Next, Bem Afleck appears as Bruce Wayne. It looks like he was a witness to the battle between Superman and General Zod, as he watches the lazer destruction of a building. He screams into a phone and runs towards the chaos because he’s the goddamned Batman.
Holy crap can Afleck run! He is keeping it TIGHT in his golden years. As he clutches a child near the ruins of a once great skyscraper, I can’t help but wish it were me that he was holding.
We are reminded that Zack Snyder is the man responsible for all of this and we get the first audio-glimpse of Jeremy Iron’s dulcet voice as Alfred. There is a ruined Wayne Manor (reminiscent of Batman Begins) and a high tech Batcave. Next, Bruce reads a newspaper that has been defaced with the words “You let your family die.” Apparently, someone doesn’t think he has enough issues with his parents as it is.
We see Bruce working out and the new Batsuit, so why is it that the thing I most want to fuck in this clip is Aflred? Why is Irons still this attractive? How can Alfred be a sex symbol? Is this why I can’t get a girlfriend?
Here’s some badass bat imagery! A baterang stuck in a way and a criminal, tied to a wall, with a bat-brand burned into his chest. This Batman likes to tag his prey before he releases them!
Perry White tells Clark Kent that no one wants to see him deal with this Bat-fellow. And the fandom chuckles at the irony.
Lois Lane lets Supes know that his “S” means…something? Hope, maybe? The world may never know. But we do know that a woman who has painted that very symbol on her roof is reaching towards something in the sky. Could it be…?
It is! She’s reaching for Superman! Ma Kent lets Supes know that he can be a hero, or he can say “fuck the world. Y’all can suck it,” set to images of him being worshiped and saving the day.
Lex Luthor shows up looking suspiciously like Mark Zuckerberg and informs Sen. Hunter that devils come from the sky. This shows a sever lack a biblical knowledge and marks him as the villain since he is obviously not a Christian. Supes bows to Lex, possibly demonstrating that he also rejects Yahweh.
The corpse of Gen. Zob is revealed, Michael Shannon collects his paycheck, and Afleck lets us know that Batman has been active in Gotham for twenty years. He also has a suit on display that says “Haha! Jokes on you Batman!” It seems that the Joker also employs the catch, tag, and release tactic.
Not much interesting happening here. we see the guards kneeling before Superman, just like the did in the first trailer, but we do get our first glimpse of Gal Gadot as Diana Prince. That’s something.
RoboBatman reveals the batsignal in what is geninuly a cool shot, as he reminds us that Superman can destroy the whole human race. I’m beginning to think that these two guys might not like each other.
Haha, Batman thinks he can beat Superman! Who’s the Joker now?*
Scuba! And Horses! This is probably our first real clues towards the nature of Aquaman and…uhh…Equestrian-man?
Spoiler Alert We see that Bruce’s parents are killed by a gun man! Way to ruin his origin, Snyder! Also, Thomas Wayne is played by the Winchesters’ dad from Supernatural. He’s traumatizing children all over the place!
The Batplane and Gal Godot in a backless dress! I’m still not sure which is sexier.
Superman: The Movie came out in 1978. Batman was in 1989. Comic book movies have been big business sine X-Men in 2000. And yet, this is the first time any of us have seen a live action Wonder Woman on the big screen. What the actual fuck?
Soldiers with Superman’s “S” on their shoulders are shooting at, and physically attacking Batman. I really, REALLY hope this is some sort of dream sequence.
Batmobile. Punches. ‘Splosions. Please, my penis can only get so erect.
Alfred trys to convince Bruce that Superman is not their enemy, followed by a shot of Luthor, implying, to the surprise of everyone, that HE is the Big Bad of the film. But we do get to see Lex caress some kryptonite, so that’s pretty freaking sweet.
An AWFUL CGI Batman jump-kicks and AWFUL CGI Superman through a sunroof, while Lex begins his narration.
Lex continues his monologue with the words, “God vs Man.” The inclusion of Wonder Woman, an actual goddess, during this line forces us to wonder who’s side she’ll be on. Will she align with her fellow “god”? Or will she be a literal divine being fighting against what is really only a man and a “False God”? These are important questions people!!
A CGI Supes eye-lazors at a CGI Bats, who hook shoots to safety at the last moment. Truly, this is the height of suspense.
This line literally made me laugh out loud. And not for the reasons Snyder might want for me to laugh.
Superman, who looks like he was animated for a video game, floats to the right of the frame in a defensive position. Batman, who doesn’t look much better, flys in from the left, marking himself as the aggressor. This shit is ON!!!
As dark and joyless as Snyder has made Superman, this shot of a billowing, red cape still fills me with the appropriate sense of awe. And this first shot of Superman confronting Batman face-to-face is a thing of beauty. No sarcasm or irony in this paragraph. This could actually be cool.
And there you have it! What I would say is that this is still a movie that doesn’t look all that good overall, but good god, when it hits it’s mark, it hits it hard. This could either be an unbelievable triumph, uniting some of the greatest cultural icons of the twentieth century, or it could be a steaming pile of batshit. I’m still leaning on the side of batshit
*yes, I’ve read The Dark Knight Returns and know that this movie is based in part on it. I also know that Batman kicks Superman’s ass in that book. No, I don’t think that it is any less realistic that Superman could lose to Batman.
