Do ya have two and a half minutes? If so, you should watch this short film
Have a little bit more time on your hands? Maybe you would like to watch the Season Four episode of Futurama entitled “Anthology of Interest: Part 2” where they tell a similar, albeit more comical, version of a very similar story where aliens attack Earth using ’80s arcade games. It lasts about eight minutes and is pretty effing funny. If you watch the whole episode, along with that first short film, you’ll have spent about twenty-five precious minutes of your life on some quality entertainment. Having done this, there is absolutely no reason why you should spend the price of a theater ticket and an hour and forty-five minutes watching an Adam Sandler movie that comes nowhere near either of these two things.
Perhaps the best thing that Pixels has going for it is that it isn’t apocalyptically awful. Its not a good thing to go into a movie with a preordained sense of what it is going to be, especially if you’re expected to write an unbiased review of it, which is, theoretically what I should be doing here. As a viewer, we should all do our best to put aside our prejudices and give any piece of art its fair shot at capturing our hearts and minds. This is a difficult notion today, when any number of trailers, promotional interviews, and articles granting us peeks behind the scene, are just a few keystrokes away. Its even harder when we know that the film’s lead hasn’t starred in a half decent movie since 2009 (Funny People) and hasn’t been in a great movie since 2002 (Punch-Drunk Love).
So yes, I went into Pixels expecting it to blow my mind with how bad it sucked. I thought I was going to see the worst movie of the year, and was pleasantly surprised to learn that it was merely very, very bad. The plot centers around Sam Brenner (Sandler), a childhood video game champ and current day loser. When aliens emulating Galaga attack a U.S. Military base in Guam, Brenner’s best friend and President of the United States of America (Kevin James) recruits him and a few other old school gamers (Josh Gad and Peter Dinklage) to save the world. Pixels may look cool enough, and it might be fun to see Pac-Man chomping around New York City, but this is a movie with so little internal logic that it’s almost impressive. The aliens set up rules for the invasion, but they are never clearly laid out and they never really matter, except when the script needs them to. The aliens’ and the humans’ technologies are compatible with each other, and they perfectly obey the laws of whichever game they’re playing. How does this happen? I dunno. Divine intervention, I guess? No one working seemed to give a flying fuck, so I’m not going to spend more time dwelling on this issue than I have to.
Here’s the thing though: this movie could have been watchable. Like I said, it’s cool seeing 8-bit video games in a real world environment. Dinklage is great in everything he’s ever been in, and he’s fantastic here. There are occasionally good elements that could have made this film bearable, if nothing else. Pixels‘ real downfall comes at the hands of Mr. Sandler. This motherfucker is a disease that infects the whole production. He sleepwalks through every scene and cannot be bothered to actually give even the slightest of fucks. The closest he gets to real effort is the frequent mean-spirited insults he flings at the entire cast. He is, quite frankly, the worst. And his attitude looks like it spread to everyone working here. No one is putting forth genuine effort (except for Dinklage. Long live Tyrion Lannister!) and the overall, lackadaisical demeanor means that not a single character seems to care that A) aliens are real, and B) the world might end in a few days. Its so goddamn infuriating to see a smug ass like Sandler show up, deliver a few lines, collect his paycheck, and go home, while doing nothing to make this feel like a real situation with real stakes.
Pixels was probably never going to be great. It began with a concept that said everything it needed to in 154 seconds. But the once kinetic and animated Adam Sandler took what he was given and didn’t even put forth the effort to shit on it. He did nothing. A cardboard cutout of him could have been used in most scenes and I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. He should be fucking ashamed of this performance. Goddamn, why can’t he just go the fuck away?
